How Can I Help?

Television has brought us many memorable taglines: “Book ‘em, Dano”, “Norm!”, “Beam me up, Scotty.” But my favorite comes from a short-lived series, only 5 seasons, called New Amsterdam. It’s about a public hospital in New York City and the lead character is Medical Director Max Goodwin. He has very unconventional ideas, but one very specific goal and it becomes his tagline. “How can I help?”

One of the hardest things in raising a child is watching them learn something new. Not the moment when it clicks, that’s amazing! But the struggle and frustration that precedes that moment is another story.  As a parent, we long to see the joy of our children learning new things and growing, but we also desperately want to shield them from the pain and aggravation that is frequently a part of learning. I don’t think this is limited to children. I believe everyone experiences some angst and frustration when faced with learning something new, especially when it does not come easily.

Learning opportunities happen in all aspects of our daily lives. They happen in our jobs, in our hobbies, and in our relationships. We watch friends, coworkers, and partners learn new things all the time. And when we care about these people, watching them struggle can be just as difficult as watching your child learn to tie their shoes.

Our instinct is to rescue them from the pain, the struggle, and just tell them how to do something or, worse, just do it for them. But in doing so we deny them the joy and satisfaction of learning. We deny them the feeling of accomplishment that comes only from successfully doing something new for the first time. Why would we do that? I think the answer is simple: we are attempting to relieve our own frustration at watching a loved one struggle.

Dr. Goodwin’s refrain of, “How can I help?” is a beautiful solution to the angst of both parties. First, it is an open-ended question, unlike the yes/no form of “Can I help?” It allows the person free range as to what, if anything, may be helpful. Second, it focuses on the situation, not the person. Simply adding ‘you’ as in “Can I help you?” or “How can I help you?” makes it about the person and risks damaging their pride by insinuating they are incapable. The generic, “How can I help?” opens the door to so many possibilities and allows them to retain control. It acknowledges that the problem is not about the individual.

Imagine a child learning to get dressed by themselves and the complexities of buttons, zippers, snaps, and shoelaces. It can be overwhelming, but we have all mastered these things and tend to forget that it wasn’t always easy for us. Saying to them, “How can I help?” allows them the power to continue learning, lets them know they are not alone, and gives them to opportunity to say, “Let me do it.” It’s no different when we get older.

Whether learning to drive a car, prepare a new recipe, fix a flat tire, or heal a broken heart, life is a never-ending journey of learning new things. At least it can if we allow it to be. It’s messy, frustrating, and sometimes it’s ugly. But, oh, the joy and elation when we figure it out and succeed! We should never deny anyone that moment, no matter their age or how simple it seems to us. It is far too precious.

So, how can I help?